Emotional Development of a 3 Year Old
Our eldest son is 3.5 years old now. He is such a big boy and we’re very proud of the person he is becoming. But we are also emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, not to mention on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Why you ask? Because being 3 ain’t easy for anyone involved.
I know most people fear their child turning 2 (you can read about it in Emotional Development of a 2 year old: Part 1 and Emotional Development of a 2 year old: Part 2), but I personally think 3 should be feared much more. Your 3 year old will test you in ways, their 2 year old self never could. Your 3 year old is much more verbal, aware of self, has strong wants and needs, but no sense of delayed gratification, and overall poor self-control. This makes for a lethal combination.
Their Feelings are at the forefront and they are strong. Almost like a hurricane coming at you multiple times a day.
You may look at the way your child behaves and believe that you need to get them under control before things get worse. But before you do that, I encourage you to read my post Parental Control – Real or Illusion. You may find that getting them under control is more about tweaking their environment and understanding their motivations than bringing the hammer down.
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But back to the nervous breakdown state we are in. It’s been pretty rough. Our son has become like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes. He is loud, full of energy and destroys everything in his path. His listening skills could use some improvement, as well as his follow throughs. We do our best to expel his energy daily, but it’s not easy. Did I mention that we also have a 1 year old who only sleeps sometimes? There are days when both my husband and I are ready to call it quits and let our eldest do whatever, as long as he leaves us alone.
Those days are also the most tempting for us to use the “tried and true” methods of parenting like yelling, threatening, taking toys away, etc. No one comes out feeling good in those moments. And I know all parents go through days like that. It’s normal but absolutely not a productive way of dealing with a 3 year old.
Brain Development of a 3 year old
First let’s revisit what is happening in the brain of our pre-schooler. It’s a busy and chaotic place. The growth and development is rapid but just like at any stage, it is not unilateral. So while the connections of the temporal lobe (responsible for emotions) grow and strengthen like rapid fire, the connections of the frontal lobe (responsible for emotional regulation) continue their growth at a snail’s pace. Thus still leaving your child in a state where their wants and emotions rule above all else. Their self-control may have improved slightly over the last year but most likely they still erupt at a moment’s notice. But here is where you will see the most change in the coming year – their communication skills.
Up until now, their receptive language (what they understand) was far more developed than their expressive (what they can say). But now is the time for the expressive language to catch up and amaze us every single day. Our kids will tell us new words and new sentences almost every day. We will finally be able to see more into their world and understand it better. Along with their expressive skills, their imaginations will take off and we can sit back and watch their imaginative play. It really is a wonderful time in their life.
But wait a minute, didn’t I just mention the mental breakdown my husband and I are suffering. Yes, you remembered right. Despite there being so much wonder surrounding our son’s development, he is very difficult to be around. His favorite phrases now are “I want” and “All mine”. It’s not exactly easy dealing with this a million times a day (a bit of an exaggeration but that’s what it actually feels like). Not to mention having a younger sibling often brings out feelings of jealousy and possessiveness in him. He is also very physical when expressing his anger and often pinches, bites or squeezes the offending person or object. Nothing is more fun than watching a toddler bite a chair he just tripped over. (Sarcasm)
Strategies for Behavior Management
So how do we handle our 3 year old? Well, we do the best we can. We strive to only use positive parenting techniques but sometimes slip up. We’re only human and often sleep deprived.
Name Emotions and Feelings
The number one thing we have always done with him and continue to do is name his feelings for him. His vocabulary may be growing but it won’t be growing without our help. Having proper names for his feelings, helps my son express what he’s feeling through words and not actions. If he’s crying and he’s able to tell me that he is frustrated because he wasn’t able to make something work, it allows me to target my response. I don’t have to sit and guess why he’s crying. His teacher also does a great job teaching him names for his emotions. She taught him more complex emotions like anxious, enraged, frustrated. It’s been very helpful for all of us.
Help Your 3 year old Calm Down
But just naming feelings doesn’t help. After we name the feelings, we need to work on calming down. That may seem simple but it’s really not. An enraged child will fight calming down to the bitter end. He will yell louder, thwart any physical redirection, and just continue to escalate until he reaches a breaking point.
Some of the techniques we use to help him calm down are singing a song, demonstrating calm breathing, giving big tight hugs, counting. After he calms down enough to have a conversation, we talk to him about what happened and try to teach him more appropriate responses. It honestly feels like talking to a wall because the effects are not immediate. But I know he’s internalizing this and eventually will be able to respond appropriately to situations.
Besides talking, we use books to help explain his emotions and come up with calming down techniques. Being able to see a book character going through the emotions and making better choices helps my son visualize a better solution. Language is still overwhelming to a toddler, so having visual representation really helps.
These are the books that are a big hit in our house.
Fight Jealousy with Love and Attention
Since we have jealousy issues in our house, we make sure to give our eldest some undivided attention. It is often hard to do because his little brother wants to be involved in everything he is. But we make sure that our eldest gets one-on-one time with each parent. It may not happen every single day that he has one-on-one with both of us. But he gets one-on-one time with at least one of us every day.
It’s important for your child to know that he has not been replaced and also that attention is not a finite source (even though it kind of is). Feeling loved and appreciated allows a child to grow and flourish. So make sure to hug and kiss and love on your child. But also don’t forget to give them some space and independent time when they request it.
Good luck navigating this wonderful and infuriating period in your child’s life! I know we need it.